take your tongue and place it against the inner wall of your mouth. Breathe slowly & evenly:
1. Buy a large pentagram and ALWAYS wear it in a very conspicuous place. You might want to look around for a used one - many are discarded by those fleeing the craft and going back to christianity. Ask family members, they might have one laying around in a drawer or something. If not, go to the mall.
2. Buy all black clothes. ALWAYS wear them. This will help you absorb energies and increase your psychic awareness as well as your ability to detect the presence of deities. This will also make you very cool to 13 yo's and help you bring them onto the path.
3. Whenever you meet someone new, immediately introduce yourself as Lady or Lord whatever you call yourself and tell them you are learning witchcraft and that you do not worship satan. This will put them at ease about the pentagram and dark clothes. (note; do not do this with perspective employers. They may be looking to hire a real satanist. Let them wonder. It is illegal for them to ask.) Also, be sure to make angry and derogatory statements about christians. This is a sly way of seeing who is sympathetic to your search for true knowledge.
4. Find every book on witchcraft available and read them. Start with the spell sections as these are things you can start doing immediately. Once you have learned the basic skills involved in spell casting, try one out on a friend or family member. Be careful, beginning witches should not try curses yet. They are long and complicated and the ingredients are expensive and harder to find.
5. After reading more of the books, begin buying all the things you will need to perform rituals and more advanced magic. Good places to start are mail order catalogs and new age conferences. Biker shops often have nice knives that will serve as athames that go well with your black clothes.
6. Memorize the witches rede, witches creed, charge of the Goddess, charge of the God, law of three, and as many other of these types of things as your mind will hold onto. This is important. You may be called upon by another witch to prove you are one of us. These things are guarded secrets and knowing them will prove you are a serious student of witchcraft.
7. Take out ads in the local underground papers, place posts on websites, and tell every person behind the desk at your favorite witch stores that you are now ready to find a teacher. The closer to your age they are the better. Be sure to include that you are looking for a REAL coven. You don't want to be misled by people who simply get together and make up magic from their hearts. You want someone who casts at least one written down spell a week, once a day being preferred. If you are unsure about this one, find one of your favorite author's websites and send them an email asking them to teach you.
8. Do not sit back and wait for someone to come to you. After it is dark, get out all of your ritual tools and cast a circle in the darkest part of your house. Spend consider amount of time imagining that you are sitting in your backyard staring at the stars. Tell (don't ask) the universe and the deities to bring you the teacher(s) you deserve. Ordering them about like you know what you are talking about will gain their respect and bring you much quicker response. It will also make it easier to get their attention next time.
9. Be patient, you are almost a real witch. While waiting for a teacher to respond (it might take a whole week), listen to nothing but Stevie Nicks albums. This will help keep you focused on who the REAL witches are and who the fake ones are. Do not go back to any of the places you sought a teacher through. Only opportunistic capitalist frauds will be waiting for you. True teachers will find you once you send out the cosmic cry. And whatever you do, do not sign up for a workshop, attend a pagan festival or go to a public awareness class sponsored by your local witch shop or pagan organization. Everyone knows these are just gatherings of the misguided misfits. They are also where the FBI gathers information for its files.
10. If by chance, none of this worked, tuck the pentagram back into a more subtle place, go back to introducing yourself by your birth name and wearing clothes that express the real uniquely magical you. By now you have probably gone through enough isolation and inner pain to give you self awareness and empathy. Your inner eye should be ready to awake. Take a walk in the trees or by the ocean and say your prayers to Them. Listen very carefully and silently to Their response. Start making your own ritual tools or purchase those that are handcrafted by other magical artists - trust yourself, you will know what is right. Try going to a festival or something and meet people for Goddess' sakes. Once you start walking a magical path instead of pretending one, the rest will come with time.
Author Unknown
No part of this was intended to judge anyone or hurt anyone in any way. It is just satire to put a smile on your face. Take no offense, please.
Blessed Be.