Friday, July 4, 2008, 10:03 AM [
General]
A few wonderful people here not only answered my blog about spiritual beliefs, but also inquired what I believed. It's true I keep asking all of you for your input without sharing mine very much ... so Owlthena and Reigel and anyone else who is interested, here you go ...
Okay, I'll start at the beginning and make a long story ..... just that ... l-o-n-g. I was born in a tiny town in Minnesota, on a Wednesday and attended my first church service the following Sunday. And for the next 13 years of my life I was a very staunch Northern Baptist. Very strict - I couldn't even square dance in gym class at school.
Then after my father's death, my mother remarried and we moved to the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex in Texas. A new world in every way imaginable, very difficult for a teen. But I ate my first taco, learned how to drive on the cobblestone streets in Ft. Worth and got on with my life. We found a Baptist church (it was Southern, but we thought all Baptists were the same) and were absolutely amazed when the preacher raised his voice, let alone when he made the chandelier shake later. The limitations of what were acceptable behavior was also very shocking, so much more laid back than the previous years. After some time we left that church for another, more friendly one, but still the same generally. Then came a few years when church was only attended a couple times a year and my mom simply watched TV evangelists.
Time passed, I married and moved to Waco. Religion was never discussed and we started creating our family. Seven years and three children later I was exploring the possibility of homeschooling and religion came back into my life BIG time. All of our curriculum materials were christian, even had some Mennonite books tossed in the mix for goodness sakes. We started searching for a church ... we attended Non-denomenational, Inter-denominational, Church of Christ, Charismatic Baptist, etc. We finally ended up believing in the 'Word of Faith' ... you know ... Kenneth Copeland, Oral Roberts, Kenneth Hagin, Joyce Meyers, .... all of them! I built a personal library of videos, cassette tapes, CDs, books & more books! I had over 26 bibles in my house and at least 12 translations or more. I had study guides and other study materials everywhere among our christian homeschooling materials. I never believed in gray areas and I hate hypocrites so I stood firm in my beliefs (with short break every now & then) and all five of my children were raised more strictly than I was. But no we didn't grow our hair long, toss out the make up and jeans or throw our jewelry in the trash, but we did live what I considered to be the best spiritual way possible.
As Word of Faith believers, we had a lot of trouble finding a church but did find one about 40 miles away and attended there until we were almost broke from giving and giving and giving. We did try another and even sat through a foot washing service. But the preacher's wife there gave me the 'willies' so bad that one Sunday I ended up in tears when she finally left a luncheon to go somewhere. I was always credited with be discerning and that is what we decided it must be and we never went back. But we watched TV evangelists every Sunday as a family. We also watched the videos during the week and had a devotional family class as well. We believed in the trinity, speaking in tongues, the indwelling of the holy spirit, healing, and that every word in the bible could be believed literally. Life was holy and grand.
Next because of job eliminations we moved out of Texas and came here to Northeast Oklahoma. Still believing and learning and having ultra faith in God. Then 2005 came bouncing around and in September of that year my daughter Misty was diagnosed as having colon cancer. Colon cancer at 24 years of age? But we started in like little soldiers. Her & I were inseparable ... going to doctor and chemo appointments. We brought our bibles everywhere, listened to nothing but teaching tapes or CDs in the car, and watched teaching videos constantly at home. We notified every ministry that we knew and we had prayer groups all over America praying for Misty. She would be healed and we would travel telling people of her faith and the healing that had taken place. It was a nearly four month long trip into hell for me, you can't speak negative ever. You always believe. We did find a local church and we went to Tulsa to Kenneth Hagin's church several times. He, himself, laid hands on her as well as a church associate. We attended a couple of healing classes for more prayer and we even managed to attend a special function where Jessie Duplantis (another popular TV evangelist )called her out from the crowd to specifically pray for her. My two younger children never gave death a thought, for the way they had been raised the bible was the basis of all and it said that we ARE healed by Jesus' stripes.
On Christmas Day in an ICU room in Springdale Arkansas, my daughter died from colon cancer that had spread to her lungs despite the chemo and prayers. Spiritually I was devastated. What could I tell my younger kids, ages 14 & 16? What was I going to believe? Our pastor said that Misty's mansion was finished being bulit and that God came for her! (OMG) He couldn't explain why she wasn't healed, just suggested to give it time. All of the minstries that we had clung to, either ignored us or gave us more verses to stand on for grieving, the same ones we stood on for healing! I quit the church and I quit christianity without ever looking back.
Now I was empty and alone spiritually and floundering in overwelming grief. Finally time did help a bit and I started searching. I started remembering those short breaks from christianity that I took now and then. What were those breaks? Those were the times that I went to Hastings and searched through the new age books afraid that someone I knew would see me there. I stayed away from anything witchy, but I did read all of Mary Summer Rain books, a couple on meditation, and others I can't even remember. But it was all there in my mind. I got on the computer and started surfing.
So for the last two years I have been searching for a solid foundation of beliefs that I can call my own, that I am comfortable with and that I can put all of my faith in. Have I found this yet? No. I am closer than I ever have been and I know that nature is calling to me big time, but I just can't settle on any one thing. I understand about being eclectic, that was my chosen method and still is of homeschooling. So I take a bit here and another bit there and add anything else that rings true to me and I will end up exactly where I am meant to be. Sounds like fun and sounds pretty relaxed, but not for me. I have read book after book after book. Witches, Wicca, Druid, Elves, Faeries ... I know names of gods and goddesses from many pantheons, I know the elements, I've read about oils, my daughter studied the Wicca herb book for school, I've done a bit of numerology, I keep reading and reading and reading.
I have explored a couple of magickal courses. I have learned a lot from being on a couple of social networks including covenspace. I seek and seek and yearn for a satisfying spiritual life and I know that not one of you can supply that for me. I do know that I am somewhat comfortable with the Native American beliefs and the fact that I am at least 1/4 Pennsylvania Dutch interests me also. I love the book "Power of a Witch" by Laurie Cabot and I also like some of Scott Cunningham books. I used that big blue blue of witchcraft (can't remember it's name) by Raymond Buckland for a class in school. I love to explore but am getting very frustrated. So I ask all of you, my friends. (There are no pagans living close to where I am, I have tried to find them) I ask your opinions and your beliefs and I love reading what you have to say and it gives me so much to think about and slowly perhaps I'll get where I want to be.
But in the meantime I just enjoy all of you and all that you will share with me. You are all an important piece of my life. I thank you for taking all of this time to listen.
Many, many blessings,
Moonwaters
